Hello Lonely Blog

I haven't written in such a long time. It's been a hot minute for sure. Not much has changed since my last few posts about my frustrations with weight gain and dealing with negative feelings and emotions. What a ride for the last year. I am really struggling with my confidence. It took a huge hit when the weight came back on. I feel like such a failure. All the positive anything is gone. But there's no point in dwelling on that. What is, is. I'm going to have to shake it off and begin anew. Trying not to put so much emphasis on restricting. So many people around me are dieting and I would be lying if I said that I hadn't toyed with the idea and even looked into certain ones.
 I just remember how I felt the last time when I was obsessed and restrictive. Lots of people complimented me on my weight loss. What no one knew is that for the last part of my "journey" (and I have now come to despise that word), is that I was totally unhealthy in how I lost the last bit of weight.

When I first started, I just made changes to my eating habits, cutting out certain things and drinking more water. Then I incorporated some walking and other exercises a few months into it. But as the weight started coming off, I began to get obsessed with the scale. I weighed multiple times a day. I began to heavily restrict what I was eating. It consumed my thoughts all the time. I was afraid to eat. I was afraid of "getting fat" again. So while all those compliments felt good, it only fed into a very unhealthy mentality. I really want to do things differently this time. I don't want to be afraid to eat. Or so consumed with exercising that it's all I think about. I had such a disordered way of thinking. I should probably talk to a therapist. It's so hard to find the right balance. I just want to be happy and confident again. Sure, I have set a goal for myself yet again regarding weight loss. It's not a lot but it does get me back to where I was three years ago. I am also not going to give myself a short timeline. The weight wasn't gained in a day and it sure won't be lost that quickly. I know I need to start small with my goals in order to see greater and more long term success. Ultimately, if I can find the old me that was ok with what she saw in the mirror and didn't run away from the camera, then that is a huge win in my mind. It's the mind that is going to be the biggest battle out of all of this. As someone said to me last night, I know what to do. I did it once and I *can* do it again. I just have to really put my mind to it, buckle down and get it done. It won't be easy, but that's ok.