Broken

That's where I am right now. I'm just broken, I feel so defeated. I hate coming back to write more negative things but I've been in this mindset for so long and I don't know how to break it anymore. I was doing so good and now I feel like I'm right back to square one. Again. For the millionth time. How many times can someone start there again? Is there even  point to it? I had so much confidence and I was so happy and no I am right where I was before 2013. I hate myself. I hate my body. I've been avoiding mirrors and cameras. I feel disgusting, unworthy, fat. UGH. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm seriously considering asking for a referral to a dietician. I am that lost. I thought I could do it on my own but I can't anymore. It's getting harder and harder. Should I go the surgery route? Meal plans? Diet program? I feel like I've let myself down and in turn let everyone else down because I was so positive and supportive and I don't know how to be that anymore. I see the success of others and I feel jealous again. My brain starts formulation all these exercise plans. "I'm gonna do this" or "I'm gonna do that". Why can't I just be happy? I was enjoying exercising for how it was making me feel. I wasn't necessarily losing weight but I felt good. Then I stop and I find it so hard to start again. I'm so lost.