Balance

Heaven knows I need to find it, in a lot of aspects in my life. I tend to be an all or nothing person and it can be very tiring at times. Trying to find the balance between being ok with myself and being the best version of me is hard. I'm trying not to intertwine my self worth with my weight and it's hard. I'm trying to not be so obsessive when it comes to food and exercise and I feel like I'm losing that battle more than I'm winning it. I hate to admit how much of an impact my gaining weight has had on my self confidence. Why?! Why does it have to be so hard?! Why can't I find that balance?! Why must there be such a thin line?!

Ugh, I had really hoped that this blog would be able to take a different direction. Hell, I had even hoped that I wouldn't be writing about these struggles anymore. That's silly, I know. Losing weight isn't a cure all and I KNOW that but I can't seem to get my brain to accept it. I read an article earlier and the writer made a really good point about weight loss taking time. How it was so quick in the beginning but then there's this period of suck (and that can last a long time) but then, your patience pays off and you start to see progress. I was so happy when I initially lost weight and I thought my battle was over. But that's not how it works. His words are so accurate, it almost hurts. Because right now, I am in the period of suck, where it seems like nothing I am doing is working even though I haven't truly been at it for very long. I don't want to quit but I want to see results quicker than I am seeing them, especially where it happened so fast the first time. This is the typical pattern for me though, it always has been. The only difference is that I haven't quit this time, I've just been stuck in this endless stage of maintenance and suck.

I finally had some bloodwork done, so I'll figure out if my thyroid is playing any part in this whole up and down rollercoaster. I am not looking forward to the results though because my fear is that if it is underactive, the doctor will put me on meds and I'll gain weight. I can't have that happen. I've worked too damn hard to get to this point, even if I am in the "Woe is me" part again. I can't get any bigger. I'll honestly have a mental breakdown. As I said, I'm still trying to find the balance and I'm not having much luck right now.