Anxious About Summer

Am I alone in feeling anxiety when it comes to the warmer months? I'm generally not as active during the winter as I am in the summer, I think that's normal for most people and though I try to have my eating be decent, I don't always achieve that. So I always think that I'm bigger than I am. I know I'm not, I know I haven't put on weight (with maybe the exception of a few lbs here) but my mind starts playing tricks on me and has me thinking that I've gotten so big and all my clothes are going to be too small, which is going to send me into this spiraling, depressing frame of mind. It's a really, really hard thing to break and get out of. I don't recall feeling this way last winter, but I know that it's been something that I've felt before. Then it sends me into a tizzy and I end up going through my clothes and trying this on, sweating like a hooker in church, because I need this validation that I'm not bigger than what I think I am. The struggle sometimes is so tiring. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with these feelings. But I guess as someone that will battle with the scale for the rest of her life, it's something I'm going to have to deal with. It's hard to explain it to people that haven't had to deal with their weight. Unless it's something that you've stared in the face on a daily basis, you just can't grasp those awful feelings.

So naturally, I ran to my room and tried on several pairs of jeans and of course, much to my relief, they fit just like they did in the fall. But why does it matter? Is it such a horrible thing if I had put on some weight? Why does that have to send me into such a tailspin of negative thoughts and feelings of worthlessness? It shouldn't. Because really, it's only human. However, society still tells me that it's the worst thing in the world. We are still bombarded daily with all these ways to have better bodies and they all have to do with the idea that being smaller/skinny is somehow so much better than being fat. You can't possibly be happy if you are over a size 12. I've come so far with body positivity and yet, here I am again, at the brink of feeling like a failure like I have so many times over. It doesn't help that it's almost shark week and that always. ALWAYS make me feel so gross and blah.