A Stump and a Hump

I haven't blogged or talked about "body positivity" within the last few months because the truth is, I haven't been feeling very body positive. I have been struggling a lot. In reflecting on last year, I realized that I wasn't truly happy. I had allowed myself to fall into a terrible cycle of negative thinking again. I struggled with keeping my eating on track with good habits. I wanted to exercise but I made too many excuses. When I did manage to start a routine, I quit. I also noticed that I had put on the 10 lbs that I'd lost the year before. I found this to be devastating. I started getting hard on myself like I had been in the past. I started using food as a comfort again. I was measuring my worth last year against my worth the year before at a smaller size. I would dwell on old pictures of myself and then berate myself for having "let myself go".

I am terrified of gaining weight. I am terrified of getting as heavy as I was. I don't have a good view of food. I am afraid to eat. This cycle is so horrible and hard to break. I mean, I wasn't a horrible person when I was heavier. I just remember how I felt, because sometimes I still feel that way. I have forgotten that I was bigger because I look at myself now and I see no difference. Anyway I am working hard to change that. I have started working out again but my goal is not weight loss. I am not putting so much pressure on myself to be smaller. I am working on being stronger and feeling better. I preach about being the best version of yourself that you can be and that's what my goal is.