Stuck In A Rut

Wow, two blog posts in two days?! Who am I?1 Seriously though, I haven't been blogging because I've been so down and I don't want every post I make to be negative. I have tried to get back into an exercise routine, but since taking on a new kid, it's been so hard. I haven't been able to bring myself to get up at 6am like I've wanted to for the past year. It was fine over the summer because the kids were home so they could distract the baby but since they're back in school, I just seem to be making every excuse in the book. Can't do it in the morning, too tired. Can't do it in the evening, too tired. At some point, I have to stop. But I guess I haven't reached that point like I did when I first started on this weight loss journey three years ago. Something hasn't clicked in my brain at this point. I don't want to be complacent because I am afraid that is what will lead to me putting all my weight back on. I don't even know why I feel so disgusting. I mean, I am where I am when I first lost weight. I got down to a size 16/18. My weight has since fluctuated 10lbs. I am still a size 16/18 (16 on top, 18 on bottom). Now I know that I have put the 10lbs back on that I lost two winters ago. I went about that the wrong way with an eating plan, that while good in that it had me eating healthy foods, it wasn't sustainable and I was hungry all the time. So I guess I was essentially starving myself.

I knew that once I started eating normally again, it would come back and it did. It didn't happen right away, I mean it did take months which is good. I feel like I'm right back to the same disgusting feelings I had when I was almost 300lbs. I don't know how to shake it. I don't know what to say to myself to get back on some type of track. I'm still trying to be careful with my eating but I've been slipping again. I've been snacking a lot at night and that was a big killer for me before. Then sometimes I toy with the idea of asking my doctor about weight loss surgery but I don't know if I have the dedication for that either. And let's be honest, I love food way too much to give it up or only eat a little bit.

So I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I can't find the motivation or the desire to change what is making me feel blah.......and I feel blah because I'm not finding the desire.......you get the idea. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Last summer, I felt amazing. Sure I had off days, but they were so few and far in between and I was easily able to overcome them. I was working out regularly and I felt good. I just want to be back to that, even if I don't ever lose those stubborn 10lbs. It's going to be harder as I get older, I'm already feeling that now. I went for a walk yesterday in my road and I honestly felt worse when I was done than when I do my 20 min HIIT workouts. That's all I need in the morning is 20 mins. Well, 30 really including a shower but it's just a boost during the day. Like even just the simple walk yesterday had me feeling great. I need to find that girl again that had all the confidence in the world before I lose her completely.