Kick In The Guts

That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. It's horrible. I feel exactly the way I felt when I saw a picture of myself at almost 300lbs. Emily took a couple of videos of me and I'm just shocked. I'm looking at them and all I can think is "I'm huge". I see the flaws that I worked so hard to accept and love. I see fat, rolls, lumps. Everything that I hated. Everything that I thought was gross. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm on the verge of tears. Part of me wants to go throw up the pizza I just ate. I know it might seem silly or whatever to some, but after having struggled for so long to be so different and to have it all come crashing down again in the matter of a few seconds, it's a feeling I can't even describe. I'm trying not to go into the bathroom and pick myself apart again........or run into my room and start trying on articles of clothing only to go into despair when something doesn't fit the way I think it should or the way my mind tells me it did. This sucks.