Guilt

Today has not been a good day for me. I've been feeling very guilty about my shopping habits. I'm blaming myself for struggling again. Because of this, I've been dealing with the urge to snack. It doesn't matter what it is, I just want to sit down and stuff my face. I'm not going to but I won't lie, today it's very hard. I'm trying to find other things to do so I'm not so focused on food. Thank goodness this doesn't happen to me very often anymore. I'm also dealing with that ToM which always makes it hard to not snack.

Along with being stressed about money, I'm also very worried about Laura. She starts school in a week and the thoughts of it is making me feel physically ill. She's going to be 6 but mentally, she is not there yet. I worry because she still doesn't know all of her letters and numbers. She still can't write her name very well. It's been hard to get her to listen to me when I'm trying to explain it to her. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like I should have done more, pushed her more. Maybe I should have put her in preschool. Maybe I should have consulted with my family doctor or the phn about getting her some help. Maybe I should have asked for speech therapy for her. I feel guilty because I cancelled her preschool checkup the year before. I felt that since she wasn't going to school last year that she didn't need it then. Now I feel like I was wrong to do that.

I also worry about Emily. I feel like I've failed her as well. I need to get her assessed by someone that the Janeway to see if she has any behavioural issues. Part of the reason I haven't done this already is because I am afraid that she does and I don't want her to be labelled. She struggles enough as it is. On the other hand, if I don't have her assessed, she is going to lose any and all extra help at school. She has such a hard time, especially when it comes to math. Even with her tutor, she struggles so much but she tries so hard. So today, I am feeling like a huge failure as a mother and a person. Today I'm feeling worthless and I've been in tears because of it. Today I am full of guilt and I don't know what to do anymore.