Addictions

*I've been sitting on this post for a few days. Finally decided today is the day to publish it. I did actually sit down and figure out how much I've spent (it was through my Paypal, that doesn't include shopping at Walmart and such).*

Typically when we talk about an addiction, we mean the biggies. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex. Really, it can refer to a wide variety of things. Food for example. I have been addicted to food. I have used it to comfort myself. Happy or sad, I turned to food. Don't get me wrong, I still love food and if I'm not careful, I can easily slip back into my old ways. Sometimes, an addict will replace one addiction for another. I too am guilty of this. I have turned to shopping. I have been using it as a comfort. When I'm happy, I shop. When I'm sad, I shop. When I'm angry, I shop. You get the point. I have always loved shopping. When I was at my heaviest, I wouldn't shop for myself. I would shop for my girls. It didn't matter if they needed what I was buying.

Compulsive shopping is not about needs. It isn't really about wants either. It's all about the high. I know, it sounds so silly, a high from shopping?! But it's true. You get a rush, a sense of gratification. I really can't describe it. However, as with any other high, you eventually come crashing down. What you are left with is a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I am not a rich person by any means. My family is struggling to pay the bills and put food on the table. So the shame and guilt I have is because I start to worry about being able to pay for it all. I become depressed and I shut down. I start thinking about how much I've spent and what it should have been spent on. Bread, milk, eggs, gas.

The next payday comes though and it's all forgotten. I do a little browsing online. I get this itch that I have to scratch. All of my favorite websites are memorized. On each website, I have wishlists of all the items that I want to get. Each wishlist is no less than $1000. Realistically, I know I can't buy the stuff. But it doesn't matter. My closet is overflowing. A lot of it has tags. But I just can't seem to stop. I try to say "It's only $20 or $30. As you know, doing this on a regular, that adds up. At some point, not today though, I will go back over the last year and add it all up. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid to know. The thought of it makes me physically ill. But I need to know. I need to be honest with myself about it. I'm hoping the realization will help me in my efforts to stop my compulsive spending.

I took the first step a few days ago when I finally admitted it out loud to myself. I have a problem. Not just a problem, but an addiction to shopping. The next step for me was turning my phone off. For whatever reason, my phone seems to be my biggest temptation. I can't explain it, I just know it. I do get the urge to shop when I'm on the computer but not as often and not as strong. I can easily ignore it and when I do feel like I need to buy something, I turn the laptop off. It hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. I have been trying very hard to keep myself occupied with other things. The good news is I've been able to stay on top of the laundry! I know I'm going to have bad days and I might even have a slip up or two. I can do this if I really want it and put my mind to it. So far so good!