Still The Fat Girl

Yes folks, sorry to say that I have, yet again, fallen off the eating right/exercising wagon. Are you getting sick of reading about this? Good, because I sure am sick of writing it. I have no one else to blame but myself. I become complacent, slack off and then begin, for a countless time, at square one. The good news is, I haven't completely given up on my food tracking since I started it again. I had stopped it altogether a few months ago. Then I noticed that my jeans are all either too tight when I do them up or I can't do them up at all. Maybe that hasn't changed since last summer. I can't remember now. Anywho, I started again two weeks ago. Now I haven't been actually keeping up with it online BUT I have been keeping track of what I'm eating during the day mentally. I've been trying so hard to cut back on the breads and starches. It isn't easy because I do love them so.

And I'm doing much better with the snacking and eating before bedtime. I think maybe once or twice within the past few weeks, I've snacked after supper. Also cut back on my tea and ginger ale. Trying to incorporate more water, especially now that it's getting warmer. Haha well warm for Newfoundland. So while the weight hasn't come off, I haven't put on AND I've changed some bad eating habits. I think that's pretty good considering. Now that doesn't mean that I've completely cut out the junk food. I'm still working on that. I've also decided that I'm not going to deprive myself completely of treats. My goal for June is NO JUNK FOOD, with the exception of going out for our anniversary towards the end of the month. I also want to see a difference in our bank account.

I have also decided, and this is huge for me, to stop with the negative thinking. I've decided to stop calling myself fat, fattie or the fat girl. There really is no need and it's counterproductive. What I do need to do is start finding the good and the positive things and dwell on those. I am not defined by my weight. My weight is not who I am. The numbers on the scale do not define me. They are just numbers. The same with my clothes. What I want, what I have wanted now since I've embarked on this very long and arduous journey, is to feel good. Feel good about myself, my body. Feel good about myself in my clothing. I don't care if I am a 18/20/22/24. Those numbers don't mean anything. I want to look at myself in the mirror and day "You look beautiful". Better yet, I want to say "You ARE beautiful". Because I AM beautiful, inside AND outside. Sure I don't fit into "society's" idea of a beautiful person. I am not a size 0 or 2 and I never will be. I don't want to be. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't have a problem with being a plus size woman. There is beauty in curves. I just want to be healthier, first and foremost, and I want to feel good. My self esteem has been shit basically my entire life and it's time, at almost 32 years of age, to change that. It's going to be a long process and there will continue to be many setbacks because that is the nature of the beast. But only I can do this. I have to do this. For me.

Bye bye label. You've done me no good.