Square One - Squared

Yes, I fell off the wagon. Haven't posted on myfitnesspal since my last post. It was getting to be too much. This is why I didn't want to count cals and track. It becomes overwhelming and monotonous and then I get frustrated and want to give up. So I did. WHY WHY WHY?!?! Really how do I stay motivated for longer then a month?! I was doing so well with it and looking forward to adding in the walks as the weather gets nicer.

I get so excited for everyone else and I think how awesome it would be if that was me. It COULD be me. It SHOULD be me. But it isn't because once again, food won. Food always wins. There should be some type of thing to help quit food. I mean, smokers have patches and pills and gum. Drug addicts and alcoholics have rehab and AA and step programs. Why isn't there something for food addicts?! I'm not talking about a quick fix because obviously that isn't a long term solution.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could love myself and my body for the way it is now and then just eat better and exercise and not obsess over the weight issue. Even when I was a teenager and lost weight, I wasn't happy. I didn't see the weight loss, I still saw the fat person or at least what my brain perceived me to be. I am an awesome person. I am a damn good mother. I am beautiful. That last one is the one I have the hardest time with. I just don't believe it. No matter who tells me or how many times I hear it, I think it's foolish and wrong and couldn't possibly be true.

So this is where I am at mentally. And it's not really a good place to be.