Day 2

I woke up this morning feeling......well, not very motivated. Almost wanting to admit defeat. Wanting to admit that I will be a fat chick for the rest of my life. I really need to change that thinking. I need to change my inner dialogue (yes I'm channeling my inner Dr. Phil). To be honest, that's not something that I've been able to do for almost 20 years. When I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty or attractiveness, I see an ugly person, a tired person. Even when I've put on makeup and a really hot shirt I still can't bring myself to say that I look even halfway decent. So I make faces. Yes very mature I know. What can I say, this is me. When you've had a certain habit for so long, it is very hard to break. When you've spent your entire life believing that you were ugly and not good enough, it becomes your reality. So this is currently my reality. It doesn't matter who or how many people can tell me otherwise, I just can't believe it.

The funny thing is, I was never told any of those things when I was growing up. Sure I got teased in school (who doesn't) about my hair and my glasses and my religion. Nothing major and nothing that made me feel that I was worthless. It's just something that I started telling myself. I'm not really sure at what point that happened. It just did. So now I have to change pretty much a lifetime of negative thinking. That's not easy to do.

I admit that it does feel good to be keeping track of what I eat despite the fact that this morning I pretty much had convinced myself that I was giving up. I am my own worst enemy. I was going to workout yesterday but by the time the girls were in bed my heart just wasn't into it. That's ok though. I've allotted myself 4 - 45min workouts a week. This afternoon or this evening, I'm going to go down on the equipment in the basement and have at it. I thought about putting in The Biggest Loser game but my poor knees just can't handle that right now. I figure I need to slowly work into that. The biggest issue the first time was being a bit too gung-ho and ending up injuring my knees. Ok so maybe injure isn't the right word but they were pretty damn sore. I was working out everyday and not giving my body time to recover in between. Won't be making that mistake again.

I bought myself a double stroller too so when the weather gets a little better (which won't be for a few months) I'm going to go walking. I actually enjoy walking and I lost quite a bit of weight as a teenager when I walked everyday. Unfortunately, I went about it the wrong way, severely restricted what I was eating, only drank water and power walked for an hour a day. Not that any of that was necessarily wrong in and of itself but I became a bit obsessed with it to the point of depression if I couldn't walk. Come winter time, I had given all of it up and packed on the lbs. Are you seeing the trend here?

Anyway, the house is in shambles so I really must go and direct my attention to that. I'll update later on my exercise routine. Oh and if anyone is using MyFitnessPal, my username is tashacrystal. Add me and we can be each other's motivation!!