Love Hurts

Food love, that is. I decided to be a little more lenient with my eating this past weekend,  since it was a long weekend, and I'm quickly seeing why my body hates certain foods. I'm really going to have to commit to no starchy carbs/foods because I am really paying the price today. I broke my fast last night because I didn't eat enough during the day so I ended up having two pieces of pizza late in the evening. As delicious as they were, I am in pain this evening. My reflux is the worst it's been in a while and I'm so bloated, my stomach is physically hurting. Unfortunately, this is the second time that pizza has caused this reaction so I think it's really safe to say that I will not be indulging in it anytime soon.

There are a couple more grocery items that I am going to have to buy in order to help myself get through; avocados and nuts. The nuts will be hard for me to eat, because any other "diet" says not to eat them or only eat a handful because of the fat. However, eating LCHF means eating more healthy fats than I am used to, while also not counting calories. I also want to get some more bacon, as guac and bacon make an amazingly delicious snack. I don't want this way of eating to become restrictive or unsustainable in any way because this is where I fail so many times. I am already finding myself having some food guilt when reaching for a snack. Lots of feelings and emotions to unpack.

You Are What You Eat

This weekend was the first in an extremely long time that I did not spend the better part of the day in the bathroom. I am so happy, I could honestly cry. The next step is to see how things go in public. I have yet to really test it out after eating. I'm sure it won't be perfect or work all the time but if I can eat food and leave my house without worrying about the bathroom, I call that a win.

I'm sure some of you will think this is TMI or no one cares and I'm sure that's true however this is such a huge obstacle in my life and is so debilitating that I share so others dealing with the same thing realize that they aren't alone and we don't have to suffer.

I am amazed at how well and how quickly my body has responded. During my eating window today, I indulged and I can already feel how it's affecting my stomach. I definitely don't want to feel like this again and it really shows that diet plays such a HUGE part in how we feel. I had some timbits and ughhh, my stomach is not happy right now. I am so determined now to stick with better food choices because I can literally feel the difference, moreso than when I've tried "clean eating" before.

Hello Blog

Wow, I can't believe that it's been a year since I last posted. I have not lost anymore weight since I last posted and I haven't gained any either. I have been experiencing more frequent flare yps of my IBS, daily. Some days are better than others. I have decided that while I don't want to necessarily concentrate on weight loss, I do want to focus my attention on eating better. When I was eating a fairly clean diet, I was not having as many flare ups.

So, I will be trying intermittent fasting to see if I can get some type of control over my stomach issues. I will be atarting out with a 14/10 approach and then work up to 16/8. I will not be restricting like I have done in the paat and while I am tracking my food, I'm not necessarily calorie counting as that has been proven to fail and it sure failed me. I've also been trying to exercise more, not obsessively as I have in the past, but because I want to. I have used exercise in the past as punishment for what I ate or what I knew I would be eating and this is juat so unhealthy. I will be giving up bread again. It really makes my stomach feel awful, especially when I eat it on a regular basis. For instance, I had pizza two nights ago and my stomach has been painful and bloated ever since.

I have also decided to cut out alcohol for 30 days. While we don't drink it weekly, I do notice a big difference in how I feel when I have it. Ultimately, I am trying to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my body. IBS is completely ruining my life and I need to somehow take control over it, preferably without pumping myself full of medication. I'll be writing weekly updates. Here we go 👊

Still Fat

This is where the discouragement and unrealistic expectations come into play. I've only been really focused on my eating and exercising for about two weeks, if that. I'm not hardcore with it like I've been in the past because I want to do this in a much better way than I have before. I've given myself plenty of time to hit a very small goal and I'm factoring in that there will be setbacks, "bad" food days, days where I just don't give two shits about moving my body or drinking fifty million ounces of water. But at the same time, I get so easily discouraged when I don't see progress as quick as I feel I should see it. I mean, this early in the game, there's really not going to be any changes and certainly not major ones. So tonight I feel a bit bummed but it is what it is, I recognize that and know that tomorrow, I will move forward. Tonight though, I'm all up in my feels.

Movement

So I have decided to look at exercise in a different light. I normally dread it, because it feel like it's something I *have* to do. I almost look at it as a sort of punishment, especially if Ibe indulged in treats. This time around, I want to view it positively, something that helps me feel good mentally. I didn't do one today and I feel ok about it. On Friday, I did a 45 minute at home walking program that also incorporates some high intensity moves. But I don't feel like it's so hard that I can't do it or that I need to modify it too much. Saturday, I chose to use lawn mowing for my movement. 75 minutes later, I had worked up a great sweat and both front, back and sides of the lawn are cut. It felt awesome, although I was sore later in the evening. Today I chose not to do anything as I had other things on the go. I know I will have good and bad days but so far, I've been able to keep on track with positive thoughts.

Goals

I am on a roll today with two blog posts. I've had a lot of time to reflect and shake off some negative funk. I did a workout this morning because I just felt so blah and I know that a good sweat and moving my body really helps my mind feel clear and happier. So after a decent 45 minute workout, I'm feeling less negative than I was last night. In scrolling through pictures from 2016, I can see that while yes, I have put some weight on,it's not nearly as bad as my mind has been leading me to believe for the last year. It's funny how at that time, I thought I was "so fat" but I look back now and that's the goal I have set for myself. I'm committing myself to working out at least four to five days a week, with no pressure on myself if I miss. I am committing myself to better eating habits, also with no pressure should I have a day where I'm not the best with staying on track. I'm also committing myself to a goal of 30lbs in a year timeframe. So not unattainable and I figure that will allow me to go at a slow and steady pace and I may be less likely to fail had I chosen a larger number. I am also going to be giving up alcohol and alongside that, pop. I'll still allow myself to have a tea in the mornings but going to try drinking more water. I haven't been doing that and I know it's so important. I'm looking forward to banging out these goals 👊👊



In the interest of full disclosure and trying to help myself stick with it, I'm putting the numbers out there:

Weight: 255lbs.
Bust: 48".
Rib cage: 41"
Waist: 41"
Hips: 55"

Hello Lonely Blog

I haven't written in such a long time. It's been a hot minute for sure. Not much has changed since my last few posts about my frustrations with weight gain and dealing with negative feelings and emotions. What a ride for the last year. I am really struggling with my confidence. It took a huge hit when the weight came back on. I feel like such a failure. All the positive anything is gone. But there's no point in dwelling on that. What is, is. I'm going to have to shake it off and begin anew. Trying not to put so much emphasis on restricting. So many people around me are dieting and I would be lying if I said that I hadn't toyed with the idea and even looked into certain ones.
 I just remember how I felt the last time when I was obsessed and restrictive. Lots of people complimented me on my weight loss. What no one knew is that for the last part of my "journey" (and I have now come to despise that word), is that I was totally unhealthy in how I lost the last bit of weight.

When I first started, I just made changes to my eating habits, cutting out certain things and drinking more water. Then I incorporated some walking and other exercises a few months into it. But as the weight started coming off, I began to get obsessed with the scale. I weighed multiple times a day. I began to heavily restrict what I was eating. It consumed my thoughts all the time. I was afraid to eat. I was afraid of "getting fat" again. So while all those compliments felt good, it only fed into a very unhealthy mentality. I really want to do things differently this time. I don't want to be afraid to eat. Or so consumed with exercising that it's all I think about. I had such a disordered way of thinking. I should probably talk to a therapist. It's so hard to find the right balance. I just want to be happy and confident again. Sure, I have set a goal for myself yet again regarding weight loss. It's not a lot but it does get me back to where I was three years ago. I am also not going to give myself a short timeline. The weight wasn't gained in a day and it sure won't be lost that quickly. I know I need to start small with my goals in order to see greater and more long term success. Ultimately, if I can find the old me that was ok with what she saw in the mirror and didn't run away from the camera, then that is a huge win in my mind. It's the mind that is going to be the biggest battle out of all of this. As someone said to me last night, I know what to do. I did it once and I *can* do it again. I just have to really put my mind to it, buckle down and get it done. It won't be easy, but that's ok.